Bittersweet Weekend

Jefferson Lake, Colorado

This weekend I went camping with Michael, my sister and her husband, and Michael’s nephew and his wife. It was a gorgeous location, very pretty lake, and truly peaceful. And outside of being rained on while trying to cook dinner on Saturday, and not catching any fish, it was really nice!  Great to get together with family and catch up, relax and just be together.

But it was bittersweet for me as well. In the back of my mind, I kept remembering the very hurtful letter from my daughter on Wednesday in which she reprimanded me for ‘being selfish all of her life’ and that my current behavior has to stop.

To catch you up, my son, who refuses to speak to me, has sent me an extremely threatening and verbally abusive voicemail, he has also threatened me in writing with cyberharm. Both of which, are criminal acts.  I sent a letter to his command asking them to help him, and to see to it that he stops his destructive behavior.  Apparently, the command misunderstood and insisted that my son contact me.  He in turn, emailed his sister with another threat for me.

I understand that it was uncomfortable for my daughter. Especially given that they have not been speaking to each other for some time, to my knowledge. He, along with his father and grandmother disowned her for becoming Mormon. To suddenly have her estranged brother yelling at her via email would be unpleasant.

What I don’t understand is her response to me. I have tried for years to deepen the relationship with my daughter, but she has kept me at arms length. I thought, finally, we’re getting closer, after spending time with them recently on vacation. I was so excited!

But apparently, she is far more alienated than I thought.  Her words were so vicious.  She lied to me!  She said in her latest letter that there was very little discussion about me around them growing up, but I’ve got letters she sent in the past saying the opposite.  She’s saying that its all my fault, and the choices I’ve made, and no one else had anything to do with it.  It feels like she’s been waiting for any excuse to tell me she wants nothing more to do with me.   How can you build on any relationship that holds you at such a distance, and then revokes it at the first opportunity?

I’m heartbroken because she’s treating her own mother like something to discard. I’m not replaceable!

Telling me to stop, lecturing me on consequences, and saying you’ve given me chances and that I blew it because I wouldn’t tolerate abusive behavior, is not love.  Saying that I need to grow up and start taking some blame for my own actions or ‘I want nothing to do with you’ is just hurtful, and its just so wrong.  I know the mistakes I’ve made in all of this, and I wasn’t the only one. But I don’t think anyone deserves to be denied their children – except in rare cases, and this isn’t one of them.  So now, she’s either blocked me from her facebook, or closed it.

Does this mean she will again deny my mother from knowing her too?  That’s an awful side effect of PAS, the alienated parent, (me) has relatives that are also alienated.  Has she now blocked all of my relatives that were on her friend list?  They didn’t do anything to deserve it either!

Love is unconditional. It places no limits, it doesn’t tell you that it wants nothing more to do with you – it doesn’t hold you at arms length. Love doesn’t stop when you change your religion.  Speaking of religion… how Christian is this?

My darling daughter, you will never understand how painful it is to be denied a relationship with you, until it happens to you. I pray to God you never have to feel this, that you always are secure in the knowledge that your children love you.  And I pray you never feel as I have that your children feel they are better than you.

I will not beg forgiveness for actions that were not my own. I won’t say I’m sorry for refusing to tolerate bad behavior.

I will never give up on my children. I will talk about my children on my blog. I’m proud of both of them. My daughter is very intelligent, and loving, and I think she is incredible.  I will always love both of my children.

Sorry for sounding so disjointed in this post, I’m still so hurt by all this that I can’t stop crying.

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