When Michael and I were on vacation in May, right after visiting my daughter, we visited his daughter in Seattle.  She took us to the coolest market district I’ve ever seen.  I was still glowing and excited by my visit with my daughter and her family and when we saw a particular hat, I couldn’t resist getting it for the new grand-baby.  It was ladybug red, with buttons where the ladybug spots would be, and being that she’s due in November, I thought it was perfect for a newborn in slightly chilly fall weather.

Since my daughter’s decided to have nothing further to do with me, I sent it to her.  While I won’t plead with her to contact me, I wanted her to have it for the baby.  But, included a note that she should give it to someone else if she felt she had to.

I know it was delivered. But, I guess that’s an indication about how alienated she really is (even though she hates this word, its the only one I have to describe what’s she’s feeling now).  No thank you, no drop dead mom, no nothing.

The only indication she actually got it was the ‘delivered’ notation on my stamps.com account.

I wish with all my heart that she would put herself into my shoes for just an instant.  That would be enough to bring home to her how much pain I’ve felt not having her in my life now, and not having the relationship I deserved with my children for most of their lives. Picture what it would be like to be denied a loving relationship with her children, imagine for a single second the hopelessness….

For just one second….   Any more I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – its far too painful.

I love you Nichole & Don, my beautiful children.

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