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She wakes at 1:30am and writhes, clutching her abdomen. I think, “Yeah! I did it again!” Gotcha!!

Her good morning cuddle with her hubby was going very well until I interrupted her, causing that cool sound she makes when I visit, and bonus! She’s gritting her teeth again. Yeah! Another score! Gotcha!

She’s feeling positive today… what can I do to change that? Oh wait, I know, I’ll derail her optimism with my special gift. Oh goodie, she’s crying…. Gotcha!!

She’s been trying for hours to find a comfortable position and relax. Nope, that’s not gonna happen! Gotcha!

Her stress level is so high her shoulders are up around her ears. Yeah!!! I’m so good at this!

She has so many things to do – all in an attempt to forget I exist… not that I’ll let that happen! Gotcha!

Hmmm, she thinks she’s going out with friends this evening…. “Not if I can help it!” I think with an evil smile. Time to turn it on! Now she’s taking medicine and trying to get rid of me. Ha! Gotcha!

She may smile at everyone and say “I’m fine, thank you,” but I know the truth. I make her miserable. Gotcha!

She’s had two very painful procedures, an exploratory surgery and more doctor’s visits than she can count and I’m still here. After four years, I know she’s beginning to think I’ll never go away. Yeah!!! Gotcha!

There is nothing better than that special moment when she’s at 9.9 on the scale and nothing is helping. This is where I shine like the star I am. I live for those times when she’s so scared and feels so hopeless… Double Gotcha!

Who am I?

I am Kathy’s chronic pain.

planned ob·so·les·cenceˌ
pland ˌäbsəˈlesəns/
noun
1. a policy of producing consumer goods that rapidly become obsolete and so require replacing, achieved by frequent changes in design, termination of the supply of spare parts, and the use of non-durable materials.
 Yup, it exists. And its a sneaky and greedy way to gouge the consumer. I’m so sick of being forced into upgrades for devices that are no longer working properly due to planned obsolescence.  Case in point. My phone, which I bought a year ago in June, is at its end of life cycle.It went from introduction to end of life cycle in 10 months – which is infuriating.
Now, its not working correctly and its out of warranty… Ugh!!  I’ve already tried resetting to factory specifications and that didn’t work. So… we’re off to the phone store.

Good morning on this beautiful bright, crisp and clear day! Such a glorious day! Every window in the house is wide open and all the wonderful scents from outdoors are coming in and the breeze through the trees sounds so amazing!

Lavender

I love the smell of lavender!

I was out early this morning plucking broad-leaf plantain and lavender (as well as trimming chives and pulling yarrow out from where it doesn’t belong!) and as I was immersed in nature I had so many random thoughts running rampant through my head. What is it about early mornings that bring on a peaceful calm and formerly hurtful thoughts don’t have the power to cause you pain at that moment. I cherish those times! AND, bonus! I’m not dizzy this morning! So here’s some of those random thoughts:

Random Thought #1: I woke up thinking about plantain and lavender and decided to start an herbal oil infusion for a healing salve and using fresh herbs when you have them is best. While I was picking I thought back to recent comments by people that have hurt. On Mother’s day my daughter posted a blog about how Mother’s Day is for children and how she hated the day growing up. She talked about how she could never be sure I’d received the gifts or cards she sent – I never got a gift, but I di

Plantain and yarrow

Plantain and Yarrow in the washing up phase

d get a sum total of three cards. She talked about how she was stuck in the middle and she’s right, she was, and again she’s right by saying that’s no place for a child to be. I sure wish she would remember who placed her in the middle – it wasn’t me.  So while she was denied a relationship with me, I was also denied a relationship with her. So… it was a lose – lose situation for her, her brother, and for me.

Like I said, I was hurt she would write those things, until I realized while I was out picking herbs this morning that she has every right to feel this way. And, that she’s not ready to accept the truth. That’s ok. I love her, and even if she never accepts the truth, I’ll still love her. You see… no one can take that away from me. So, as soon as I thought that, my resentment and hurt just melted away and it was such a lifting experience! So, Happy Mother’s Day my darling Daughter…

Random Thought #2: I’m so glad I decided to start Hilltop House Bed & Breakfast! I can’t tell you how fun its been to meet people and serve people. This morning while I was picking herbs I kept thinking about how to make the experience better for guests, how to improve upon the rooms. What is the image I want to portray with what I’m doing? And, what improvements I’ll make first when our Home Improvement Savings Account has enough to begin. You see, that’s where all the room rental funds are going. Straight into an account so we can make improvements to the house without financing them (I really like the idea of not financing our renovations!!). One of the first things I think I want to do is to replace the flooring from the living room, straight through to the kitchen. Make it all one kind, and no transitions. I would love a hardwood floor throughout. I think that would be stunning. So I’m busy looking at pictures, and every time I go to the hardware store I’m looking at flooring – when I’m not looking at plants or tools LOL! Having the time of my life and grateful to Michael that he doesn’t mind me doing this. He never minds whatever I want to try as long as it makes me happy – which I can tell you NEVER happened before I met him. Truly blessed that God arranged it so we would meet.

Random Thought #3: I developed an allergy to the adhesive on the TENS pads I was using and I’m back on paid medication until that clears up. Meanwhile I’m seeking out hypoallergenic pads (the snap kind) so if you know of any – please let me know! I really miss my TENS! I started out with the Icy Hot Smart Relief unit that we got at Walmart and loved it so much that Michael brought a Magic Pulse Ultra Massage TENS unit home from a trip he was on. I’m so impressed with the effectiveness of it. We went on a quick vacation to upstate New York and I used my TENS while fishing, hiking, jolting around in the truck on four wheel drive roads, and running up and down stairs that are so tall and steep you could almost get a nosebleed. And not once did I take a pain pill!  That was HUGE, and completely life altering. I can now foresee a life ahead of me. That having chronic pain is not going to be a prison anymore. For the first time in over three years, I was almost pain free.  Last year on this same vacation I could hardly function without pain medication – just trying to go on short hikes was excruciating – NOT ANY MORE!!

Random Thought #4: Why is it that every time you want to post about how fabulous the weather is, it changes to rainy just at that time?  LOL Oh well, it this keeps up we won’t have to water the garden today.

Have a great day everyone!

~Kathy

imageAbout three weeks ago Michael brought home one of those ICY HOT Tens units. Every time I’d see their commercial I would wonder, would that have any effect on my pain. So, he brought one home.

Prior to this, I’ve been using two different pain relievers, one is twice a day and the other is as needed and frankly, I felt it was needed too much. I’ve hated taking pain medication all my life and these last three-plus years have been a study in frustration. Do I try to tough it out or do I take the pain medicine….  Struggle with the pain or feeling ‘less myself’…

Since Michael brought home the ICY HOT Tens unit, I’ve been using it daily, keeping the pad on sometimes all day long. But…. It’s been WORKING!!! I’ve had a dramatic reduction in the amount of pain medication I’m taking – and that to me is a HUGE WIN!  It doesn’t take away all the pain, but it’s clear to me that it’s taking away much of it. Next step, we are going to the pain clinic in a couple weeks for my regular appointment and I will discuss whether a more professional tens unit will be useful. I think one with smaller pads would be good. And if they don’t want to or don’t think it would be beneficial (How could they not???) I’ll continue using the unit I have.

Looking over the information on the ICY HOT unit, it doesn’t specifically say it’s for the reduction of chronic nerve pain but it should! I plan on letting them know how wonderful it’s been for my life.

I can finally plan things! I don’t feel like I am just living for the next pill, I’m finally living for REAL!  Thank you ICY HOT for making such an incredible product, and, thank you Michael for bringing one home!